Life's good ..


be kind. rewind.
now go away.

Revival

poketako returns.

after an extremely extended hiatus, i've finally decided to return to the donkey farm and start up damage control, my blog, version 3.

the past few years have been quite a monotonous journey, so i'll be recapping that in the upcoming entries.

now go away.

My Inspiration

You know our love was meant to be
the kind of love that lasts forever.
And I want you here with me from tonight
until the end of time.
You should know everywhere I go

Always on my mind
in my heart
in my soul
baby.

You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.

And I know
yes I know that it's plain to see:
So in love when we're together.
Now I know that I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time.
You should know everywhere I go

Always on my mind
you're in my heart, in my soul.
You're the meaning in my life. you're the inspiration. . . .

Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.

When you love somebody 'til the end of time

When you love somebody
always on my mind

No one needs you more than I.

When you love somebody 'til the end of time
. . .
When you love somebody 'til the end of time
. . .

Bliss.
from the moment i saw her and even to this day and beyond, she is my definition of bliss. she will always be my sunshine, the one thing that makes everything alright. Big Z.

i can't believe how fast time flies. the moments, the memories all seem so close, yet so far away. it seems like it was just yesterday that i picked her up at the airport. it seems like a moment ago she was playing in the yard. and right now, i'd give anything to see that again.

i'm losing her.

i'm scared.

i feel selfish, yet empty.

two days ago she was diagnosed with liver failure. yesterday she got worse. today she's down to one last option for survival. a glimmer of hope is all that's left. in her condition, that's all i can ask for. hope.

i can't cry infront of her because i have to be strong for the both of us. she has to believe that i believe in her. and i do. i'm so very proud of my baby. she has more strength, will and determination than i have. but its hard to stop the tears. its hard to stop a heart from breaking.

all i have is hope.

LIFE
jus when you think shit can't get any worse .. it always does.

i wonder how much crap someone can take before they go all fruity-like and fuc.shit.up?! i'll be sure to let you know. i think i've just about reached my lifetime allotment of .. being fucking insulted .. biting my fucking tongue .. being fucking patronized .. swallowing my fucking pride .. and being treated like fucking shit. fuck this shit.

JAPAN version 01

as requested by dE .. "eh! I saw the entry... but where's the picturrrres?! I know you get!"

so just fer dE .. the dude that was SUPPOSED to come with us .. here's a sample of what you missed!

a detailed entry with more pics to come later .. when/if i return to hawaii mode.

***MULTIPLEX 2nd Annual Japan Open Custom Motorcycle Show***

if anyone is going to be in the tokyo area on 4.17 - 4.18.2004 be sure to check this out!

the biggest names in the japanese motorsports scene will be there!






jus so they know ..
thanks chriskk (da instigator) and crazy shirleychan! without you guys, our trip would'nt have been OISHII CHINKO!

poketako will return. yakusoku.

stupid gaijin

JAPAN RAWKS!

.. .. more to come once i get over my jet lag. eeeee~!!!

peace-su!

C9L
is it always calm before a storm? hmm. regardless of the shitload of crap goin on .. i feel so .. bleh. caring. caring less. less caring. this is definately NOT good. something is going to go sour. i know it. gRRRR.

other than life, not much has been happening in poketako land. sort of. the week is still spent werking. saturday nights are still spent drinkin. sun goes up. sun goes down. ssdd.

BUT .. all this will change .. soon. for a little while, at least. secrets. well, not really a secret .. but if you don't already know, then you prolly won't care anyways.

speaking of which .. i hate people. random thought. people in general are self centered rat bastards .. poketako included. this is why i proclaim to mind my own business. everyone has a choice in life. do as you may. you may lie to me .. cause i don't really care .. jus don't lie to yerself, dummy. somehow, someway .. people will always let you down. that's life. deal with it.

on a happier note .. dogs rawk. beer is good stuff.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

"the reason" - hoobastank

borrowed time
at long last, me has returned. sorry .. poketako went on temporary hiatus fer .. a few months. sometimes life jus gets in the way. the rest of the time .. i'm jus lazy.

my last entry left me with much to think about .. and as usual .. i mind fucked myself to no end. obviously, there was no answer .. no right .. no wrong. it's all about attitude. life will hand you what it may .. good and bad .. the rest is up to you.

i know i bitch and whine about how being single sucks .. especially around the horidays. but if i stopped fer just a minute (and dropped the self pity) i would see that it's not as bad as i make it out to be. call me a drama queen .. king .. bitch. for the most part, i think i miss the feeling that you get when you're in love with someone. beyond the infatuation, butterflies, and daydreams .. when a relationship settles into something more than dating, you get something that's so intangible .. yet it feels like it defines your very existence. that .. is what i long for. some may say that this seems like co-dependency issues .. but the way i see it, life is an experience filled with moments .. and to me, moments seem so empty without someone to share them with. i dunno, maybe i'm wrong. perhaps i should seek help.

december was such a blur. werk .. christmas .. the new year .. and the flu.

an unusually busy month at werk set the pace .. a very stressful pace. odd as it was, we were booked fer the whole month of december. along with the weekend weddings, there was a preschool play and a huge contract with ihilani to fill in the rest of the werk schedule. fun fun fun. the key words fer the month were .. time management and stress management. too bad i suck at time management and my boss sucks at stress management. so .. yeah .. it got pretty ugly at times. i love my job. i do i do.

ah christmas .. christmas is good. being sick on christmas is bad. i suppose the hectic month and the lack of a healthy lifestyle led to my downfall. i do know fer sure that my christmas eve beer fest was the last straw that broke poketako's back. tj, michelley, spanky and i had fun none the less .. drinkin til the sun came up. fer the following two weeks my bed was my best friend.

same shit different year. new year's eve was spent at ry's as usual. lots of fireworks as usual. not too much drinkin fer poketako .. unusual. happy stinkin new year.

since this is more or less the off season, werk has been quite tollerable. in fact it's been pretty damn lax around the studio. this means that my saturday nights were mostly free .. and mostly filled with beer. yay! how sad is that?! the only thing i REALLY look forward to is my drinking night. bleh.



so uh, yeah .. that's pretty much poketako's past three months in a nutshell. pretty depressing huh. so fer those whom i haven't seen or spoken to .. merry belated christmas .. happy belated new year .. i hope all is well fer you and yer loved ones .. and somebody fucking call me up because i'm lonely. nobody loves me. except tj, aunty rene, spanky and big z.

things worth noting:
it is 2004 .. i must stop writing 2003.
congrats to ck and hen on the new house!
happy belated birfday geo!
happy birfday BIG Z!
happy belated birfday kj!

things not worth noting:
poketako's life


now go away.

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again

However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am free again,
Whenever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you

"love song" - 311 [the cure]

growing up .. falling out
once again, it's that time of year .. the horiday season. thanksgiving came and went, christmas is less than a month away and the new year will follow shortly after. already the malls are getting crowded, houses are set aglow with christmas lights and cool weather seems to be setting the mood.

it's called the festive season. the time of year for gatherings and parties. you can still smell the food that you ate on thanksgiving. christmas songs seem to be on perpetual repeat in yer head .. and so you hum them when you think no one is around. somehow, the smell of pine trees give off the sensation of anticipation .. like a child waiting to open their presents. you smash yer brain for weeks on end trying to think of the perfect gift for the most difficult person on yer list. eventually, you have the passing thought of how quickly the year has gone by .. and what will next year be like?

somehow .. someway .. i feel different about the holidays. i am truly grateful to have my family to spend the holidays with. i am grateful to have my health. still, there seems to be something missing .. or maybe i should say "someone" missing.

i know i go through this every year .. so one would think that i'm used to it by now. but the holidays just don't feel the same when you don't have someone special to spend them with. maybe it seems to be more of an issue with me these days because everyone else, as far as my friends go, is either married or in a relationship. they all have things to do .. places to go .. and times to share .. with each other.

it seems so selfish to feel this way .. and at the same time i won't deny that i am a bit jealous. envious perhaps. bleh. i suppose that's the way things go in life. as you grow up, everything changes .. and sometimes along the way, things jus fall out of place.


11.15.03 saturday
spent the day runnin around like a constipated cow. cooked up some spring rolls/lumpia for koolkatso's belated unsurprise karaoke birthday party .. then headed out to meet up at k2. no singing this time .. jus drinking. and i came prepared with a case of budlight and some bacardi R. yups, drinking .. gotta love it. but i'm not and alcoholic. not yet at least. i hope.

sometime around 1a the party ended .. the old farts went home .. which was everyone. so~ i dropped by the manoa pad and hung out with michelley and crew til the weeeee~ hours of the morn. frick, i think we talked story all night .. morning. by the time i left it was just about 5:30a. lemme tell ya .. at this age .. i'm REALLY not supposed to stay out that late. frick .. the drive home was a total blur. then again .. i think i was still drunk. how irresponsible is that?! fuckit.

11.17.03 - 11.21.03 the week
ssdd. can't really remember if anything of importance happened. nothing really happens to me anyway. i love my life. i love my life. i do. i do.

11.22.03 saturday
as expected, i had to werk. not that i really mind, cause i knew i'd be done with the presentation by early evening .. so that still left me a few hours of drinking time. hey, we all have to look forward to something right?! fer me, saturday nights are drinking nights. yes, simple things please simple minds. ignorance IS bliss.

by 8:30p .. i was done and outta there. made my way home .. took a hot bath .. almost fell asleep .. then i was out the door again and off to meet up with geo. since he has the new bling ride .. G35 coupe .. he offered to drive. kewl. i was a good boy and refrained from drooling all over geo's car. from there we hit it over to genji's .. the usual.

not long after we got there .. and after floodin his motor .. spanky met up with us. then we played phone tag with michelley and crew til they arrived an hour later. once everyone was there .. i have no idea what went on. i swear there must have been like 5 different conversations going on at the same time. poketako isn't too good at the whole multitasking thing .. so i jus drank my beer and kept my pie hole shut.

soon we closed genji's and got booted out to the parking lot. geo let me drive the G35 from one parking lot to another .. to which poketako found out that when you shift the car into 6th gear thinking that you're in reverse .. you stall out. STOOPS! yeah, i've been out of the whole car scene fer a while now .. which includes driving stick. *sigh* i miss manual trans. so anyways, poketako got to drive geo's car .. and scare the shit outta everyone. yay poketako! now that i had my fun .. we all called it a night. i think. bleh. i jus wanted to go home cause i had to werk a wedding in the morning.

11.23.03 sunday
sometime around 10a i got my ass to werk .. prepped gear .. and headed out to the sheraton moana. while ray was on the shoot .. poketako almost fell asleep in the hotel lobby. almost. the rest of the day/night wasn't too bad. i got my stuff done with time to spare so it was pretty lax fer the rest of the night. we were outta there at 11p .. and i was home by midnight. bleh.



11.27.03 thursday - happy turkey day
food. food. food. ugh. ate way~ too much. i feel like a bloated sack of protoplasm.

so what is poketako thankful for? i'm thankful to have my parents and family .. a house to live in .. air to breath .. food to eat .. a job that i enjoy (mostly) .. beer to drink .. sunsets to enjoy .. and all the other stuff that i take for granted on a daily basis.



but mostly .. sometimes even more than my friends .. i am thankful for the one that is always there for me .. ..




gawd .. is my life this sad?! i suppose i'll get used to it. someday.
hope everyone had a safe and happy thanksgiving. now go away.


I wipe the tears away,
As I give up this day,
Wonderin' if I'll ever find someone.
And when I close me eyes and dream,
These are the words I'm whispering:
Someday, love will come.

I won't have a doubt.
My head up in the cloud.
And certain as the mornin' sun.
I will always believe,
There's somebody just for me.
Someday, love will come.

Someday,after all these nights of waitin'.
And someday, I'll find the chance worth takin'.
And saving me,
From waking up alone.
My heart will find a home,
Someday.

And she'll be so beautiful,
The sweetest miracle,
Someday, love will come.

Someday,after all these nights of waitin'.
And someday, I'll find the chance worth takin'.
And saving me,
From waking up alone.
My heart will find a home,
Someday.

And when I close my eyes and dream,
These are the words I'm whispering:
Someday, love will come.

Someday, love will come.

"someday" - vince.gill

fruitless
dear poketako,
in recent years it has become overly apparent that you have become, for lack of better words, boring. although this poses no immediate problem, it is percieved that this dysfunction could prove to be detrimental to one's wellbeing if it is not resolved in a timely manner. should you choose to ignore this warning, you will be temporarily removed from fruitcake status. if at a later time you prove to be a true dork, then and only then will your status be reinstated. we hope that you will find resolve in that which has brought upon this terrible characteristic known as boring. age is not an excuse.
thank you for your time,
associated fruitcakes of poketakoland

fuck. i don't care if i'm boring. who cares what people think. i don't need no stinkin people. my doggy still loves me. she doesn't have diarrhea anymore. now she jus farts. bleh. i still got my sunsets.

11.08.03 saturday
no werk today! yippeeee~!!! eeeee!!! big shmiles. still, there's always something to do. crap. so~ i did my laundry .. got a buzz .. then i went to buy big z her low res dog food cause her tummy is all jacked .. thus, the diarrhea and farts. bleh. and since i was at the pet store anyway, she got a BIG box of biscuits and a new toy to destroy. she's the baby. gotta love her.

sometime around 9-ish i met up with michelley and christine at the manoa pad .. tonight be clubbin night! yeah, we all know how much poketako jus looooooves clubs. damn kids. but ocean's is still better than nothing. shit, something is better than nothing .. err .. not really .. but you know what i mean. right?

off to ocean's we went. frick, i think the last time i went to ocean's was fer kj's big three-oh party ALMOST 2 years ago. eek. but, it wasn't that bad .. there was no line. first stop .. bar. then we met up with michelley's crew .. to which one of their friends was celebrating a birthday. frick, it's always someone's birthday at ocean's.

and so the night continued. m and c danced the night away. poketako drank the night away. yups, i stood in the same damn spot and drank beer all night. gawd, i felt like such a fucking loser. somehow, when a guy goes out to look at eye candy it's just more fun if someone else is there .. cause when you're alone and you check out girls/women .. you feel like a total perv. err .. to much sharing? i think so.

ANYWAYS .. sometime around 1a we bail. on the way out i saw s with a few friends .. and yups .. it was her 30th birthday. so i said hi, gave her a hug and was on my merry way with the two drunk dancing queens.

since we were pretty hungry, we hit up millions fer some late night grinds. then it was homeward bound. fer the strangest reason .. regardless of how much i drank .. i wasn't drunk. shit, i'll have to try again this weekend.



11.09.03 sunday
got up around 10a .. without a hangover fer once .. got ready and was out the door and off to my cousin's wedding reception. cutting out all the stuff that you could prolly care less about, this is what's left .. got to see people that i'm related to but don't remember .. ate some pretty good food .. talked to my cousin and his wife fer all of 2 minutes .. watched an interesting slideshow by one of my competitors .. and tipped the valet dude $10 cause i didn't have friggin change. so yeah, it was an interesting morning. i suppose it was strange enough that my cousin married my friend. weird.



once the wedding was over, my mother figure and i stopped by to pester my gramps fer a bit .. then it was back home to pick up pops and check out the new houses in mililani mauka. no .. i don't think my parents are lookin to buy another house .. my mom wanted to check out the interior designs and layouts since she wants to do the whole home improvement thing. somehow i get the feeling that i'm the labor force. gRRR.

after checkin out the new homes, all i gots to say is .. DAMN. no disrespect to my parents, but the new homes make our house look like a box with windows. this one model had a PANTRY that was bigger than my bedroom! wtf?! i'd kill to live in one of those homes .. then again, if i kill then i'll go to jail and never live in one of those homes. crap. anyone wanna lend me $600,000.00? please?



no weddings this weekend! yeehaw! saturday night is koolchickenkatsu's belated unsurprise karaoke birthday party at k2 so that means that poketako gets to drink again! yay! i'm a social drinker .. i like drinking with people. not that i drink alone .. or that i drink a lot .. or on a daily basis. really i don't. i think i'll stop now .. before i make this sound worse than i already does. buhbye.


I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
Why take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
And break choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

"answer" - sarah.mclachlan

anger management
i really don't understand people in general sometimes .. err .. most of the time. then again, perhaps the people i'm around are just .. different. then again, maybe it's me that's fuctup.

people usually have this self image of themselves .. to which they admit their faults and bask in the light of their perfections. people are self centered. people can pass out criticism and judgement .. but can't take it. people are fuctup.

people suck. not all of em .. just most of em.

so yeah, i'm a bit disappointed in people. but hey, that's what people do .. they disappoint you.

poketako theory #43 - ignore the inconsequential and move on.


10.25.03 saturday
went to hawaii kai shack with michelley and phillip. got hammered. drove home. need i elaborate more? no.

10.31.03 happy suck ass halloween
i werked. ask me if i care what you did.

nothing says i hate you like two flat tires

NO .. i didn't do this. at least not this time. i just saw it at the hotel and just HAD to take a pic.

11.01.03 saturday
i werked again. today it was a wedding at kahala mandarin. everything was pretty straight forward .. except for when the wedding coordinator at kahala decided that the photographer, dj and videographer weren't important enough to be counted in for dinner. gRRR. for those of you out there who plan to get married .. FEED the people you hire! dammit. actually, it wasn't the couple's fault .. they were really kewl people.





poketako's grumpy. no particular reason. i suppose it's kinda like eating a role of candy .. you know the kind with assorted flavors. with me it's like assorted moods. yeah, i have problems. mood swings. i'm a little bitch.

my dog has diarrhea.
i'm unmotivated.
i'm single.
any takers?
didn't think so.
go away.




my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

"my immortal" - evanescence

the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both...
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-robert frost

sometimes i wonder what other people's lives are like. some always have places to go, people to see and things to do. some go through the same routine, day in day out. there are those with active social lives, always meeting up with a few friends for drinks. others .. just go home.

sometimes i wonder what it's like to have true passion for life and all that it has to offer. then, i wonder what it's like to not have it at all.


"no one knows yet, so please keep it to yourself for now", she said. i could hear the weakness in her voice as she tried to keep her composure. my mother figure is never good at hiding things. she continues on, "your grandfather may only be around for a few more months, so make it count."

i suppose i've known this for a while now .. and have denied the truth of the matter for as long as i could ignore it. but i suppose when the doctors confirm what you least want to hear, reality slips in through the back door and kicks you in the ass.


in more ways than i can remember, my gramps inspired me. his appreciation for beauty in the eye of the beholder made me see what i would have otherwise overlooked. i suppose this is just like his outlook on life. imperfection isn't a flaw .. it's a gift.

these days, gramps words seem far from enthusiastic. i can't say that i blame him. still, i know he's fighting. he's stubborn like that. and though he's the one who's dying .. he tells me not to be sad. even now, my gramps still inspires me.


10.11.03 saturday
with today's wedding scheduled for the afternoon, i didn't have to get up at 5a. yay! sleep is such a blessid thing sometimes. so~ i got up at 9a .. and was out the door and on my way to the hyatt by 10a. overall, it was a pretty easy werk day. i didn't have to shoot .. i had more than enough time to do my post production .. and i got to be creative consultant during the morning shoot. kewl.

by afternoon, my werk was done and everything was set up .. so~ i hid in the back and read my geek book on after effects until it was time for the video to play. fun fun fun. and as expected, 80% of the wedding guest were drunk .. the wedding ran overtime .. the show played late .. and we didn't get out of there til after 11p. gRRR.

to top off a perfectly boring day .. a perfectly boring night. NOBODY was out and about. NOBODY wanted to drink with me. have i ever mentioned that i REALLY need new friends? bleh. maybe my friends don't like me. maybe they need new friends. maybe i jus gotta get a life. dammit.

so i ended up going home. yay me.


10.12.03 sunday
chriskk and shirls were visiting from japan fer a few days .. so i took off from werk til tuesday. if my memory served me right .. chriskk can cram a whole lot of drinkin into a few days. and lemme tell ya, some things jus don't change.

since i was in the mood to eat out, i made plans to have dinner with s at sansei. again, i picked her up a bit late .. BUT this time it wasn't my fault .. i swear. some shitheads get into a fender bender and EVERYONE on the freeway just has to check it out. hawaii drivers suck mynah bird ass. jus mind yer own business fer gawd's sake. never mind if .. "oh, i tink das da kine's bruddah's wife's sistah's naybah's nefew's dog's ex-ownah's gurlfren brah! i bettah try call dem, jus fo make shua das NOT her." FUCK! jus drive dammit.

anyways .. so .. uh .. yeah .. dinner .. sansei. dinner was pretty good. i ordered a bunch of appetizers to pick on .. s ordered a bowl of udon that could've fed her fer a week. eek. needless to say, my eyes were once again bigger than my stomach .. jus as s's bowl of udon was for hers. by 9p we were outta there and off to meet up with chrisskk and crew at k2.

after a quick stop at safeway to pick up some drinks, we found joe hangin out in the huge ass k2 room .. alone. i suppose everyone was livin on tokyo time cause half the people arrived over an hour later .. including the guests of honor! wussupwitdat?!



at 11p i took s home .. then returned to k2. tyzy, ck and i yacked like lil schoolgirls in the parking lot for what seemed like almost an hour, then they too were homeward bound. and so poketako went back in to continue drinking. ugh. by this time, chriskk was TOTALLY hammered.



we soon closed k2 .. hung out in the parking lot as chriskk and shirls said their goodbyes to all who were smart enough to call it a night .. THEN .. just like old times .. we were off to GS studio in waikiki .. for more drinking. yay! and sadly enough, this is where the highlight of the night occured.

not even and hour into GS, some bobo girl got herself locked in the women's bathroom. no, she didn't lock herself in .. nor was she drunk .. the bathroom door was just jammed. for the next hour, as we all continued to drink, we watched as the staff, a security guard and a locksmith slowly disassembled the entire door handle and locking mechanism. all the while, the poor girl's friends caught everything on video!

with the drama over, it was time to call it a night .. err .. morning. after a few goodbyes .. i was on my way home .. at 4a.


10.13.03 monday
the day off was much needed after a night of drinking with chriskk and crew. and so i took full advantage of it by doing absofuckinglutley nothing productive. yes, i am a vegetable. not.

when i finally did decide to function properly .. i made my way over to my cousin's house fer her going away party. she be movin' to OHIO! go figure. don't know, don't ask. then i was off to meet up with chriskk and crew fer one last outting as he was flying back to japan on tuesday.

sometime around 10p i met up with chriskk, shirls, spanky, lumster, alice, tedd, and pauline at DNB's. after a few drinks and nearly killing my arm playin house of the dead XVIII or whatever .. we all made our way downstairs to hang with the shirls and crew.

fer the next 30 minutes i sat in a mindless stupor as pauline's accent just blew me away. of course she be a hottie .. and way~ out of poketako's league .. and she also has a REAL photographic memory .. and .. i'll shaddap now. she jus be uber kewl. it used to be called love, now it's called stalking.
soon it was 1a .. and time fer all to call it a night. chriskk and shirls got to ride in the infamous poketako batmobile as i gave them a ride back to their hotel .. then it was a last but not final goodbye.

hopefully .. dE, spankydude and myself will get to see them in tokyo next march. ahh, i can just imagine the damage we will do.


10.17.03 friday
fer the strangest reason .. i got friday off from werk. so i packed up some stuff and made my way over to hang with gramps fer a while. since gramps can't really go out .. or eat the things that he used to .. we jus sat and talked story for a few hours.

by 9p gramps was gettin tired of me, so i packed up and was on my merry way. after pickin up some beer, i made my way over to michelley's new pad deeeep in manoa valley. lemme tell ya .. this place is waaaay waaaay in the back of manoa. it's so far back that there isn't anything behind the house but mountain. spooky.

upon my arrival, i met michelley's roomies .. sienna, christine and ian .. then i got a tour of the house .. then i had a beer. i think the roomies and the house are the perfect environment fer michelley to get things back in order. the sense of freedom and individuality that they possess show through in their utter acceptance of who a person is and not what they are. uh, yeah .. they be kewl like dat.

the rest of the night was spent editing michelley's paper .. drinking .. discussing anime .. hawaii's 2 degrees of separation .. bashing eevil relationships .. and drinking. then, it was time fer poketako to go home.

10.18.03 saturday
basically, saturday was almost a total repeat of friday night. had a family dinner, then hit it over to the manoa pad to hang with michelley and crew. as it turned out, michelley went to sleep early .. sienna went clubbing .. ian also went to sleep .. and so i talked story with christine fer a while. an hour later, geo dropped by in his kick as G35 coupe. ~drool~. soon it was just about 2a and time fer us to get the hell outta there. some people need sleep i suppose.

without anything to do .. geo and i hit it over to mililani wal mart to kill time and brain cells. then we hung out in the parking lot fer like another hour as he gave me the full tech inspection of his G35. though he did offer to let me take it fer a spin .. i reluctantly declined. michelley already let me drive her prelude sh earlier in the evening .. (which was the first time i drove standard in more than a year) .. and i kindsa ripped it through manoa valley. natural born lead foot. speed .. gotta love it. err .. except when you total yer car. *wah*.

and so i ended up driving my POS batmobile home at 5a .. jumped into bed .. cried self to sleep.



i've been given creative freedom on a project and just out of dumb luck .. i go blank. well, maybe not blank .. there are concepts and ideas floatin around in my noggin .. but i can't seem to focus on one long enough for it to materialize. i've watched tv, movies, trailers, videos, and even video game intros. i've searched the web, magazines, newspapers, books, and catalogs. still, nothing has given me vision. maybe i be in a creative slump again. ah, but werk doesn't stand still jus because you don't feel like doin it, now does it? crap.



No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

And no one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be faded
To telling only lies

But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain woe
Can show through

But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes

No one know how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man,
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

"behind blue eyes" - limp.bizkit

get well soon

i've read this book a million times or more. i suppose i know it word for word, since after all .. i wrote it. but just when i thought it was done .. finished .. to the point where i no longer felt the need to add to it or read it anymore .. .. i find that a very integral part of it is missing. the end.

although this isn't a physical book with worn and tattered pages .. it's still my favorite story.


its been 8 years and 4 months since we met .. nearly 3 years since we parted .. but i still remember the moments as if they just happened. have you ever met a person that affects your life in a way you never could've imagined? i'm sure you have .. so you know what i'm talking about.

her smile could always brighten my cloudy days .. her tears would always break my heart .. and her laugh .. shows her true free spirit. when we spoke, she didn't just hear me .. she listened and never judged .. even when i was wrong. and when she looked at me, her eyes would tell all.

we had anything but a perfect relationship. sometimes i think we hurt each other more than anything else. the love/hate relationship was like an emotional rollercoaster that lasted for more than 5 years. yet, through the fights, break-ups, time and distance .. we tried to make it work. time and time again. even if it sounds illogical and goes against my beliefs .. for a time, we were soul mates.

in the end, i'm glad that she had the strength to be the one to end things. it was long overdue.

sometimes things have to end badly to truly end .. sometimes they don't. since the night we parted, i've had more than enough time to mentally replay the years .. analyze them .. and think. through all the what if's and maybe's .. i always come to the same conclusion. she was right. i took it for granted that she would always be there .. i took her for granted.


though years have past .. and i have proclaimed, on more than one occasion, that i'm over it .. maybe i'm not. the book may be closed and placed on the very top shelf .. but that still doesn't stop me from opening it once in a while. but there's nothing wrong with that. physically, i've locked away all of the pictures, letters, and memories in a box and have sworn not to open it. it doesn't matter though. the contents are all burnt into my memory. pictures from our trip to vegas .. letters .. drawings .. even the paper with her phone number that she gave me the first time we went out.

i'm glad that i remember these things. they remind me to not make the same mistakes again. i no longer look back with hurt .. but with a smile, because i'm glad that i had the experience. although i do miss her dearly .. and it kills me everytime i see her .. i know i don't have to stop loving her .. i just have to let her go. as a friend once said .. .. "just because someone doesn`t love you the way you want them to, doesn`t mean they don`t love you with all they have".

with new affirmation, thanks to a 2hr chat session with koolkatso, i believe i will be happy again .. as long as i let myself be happy. even if it's not with her.

9.27.03 saturday
FINALLY, i gots saturday off. no weddings to werk. no editing to do. bliss i tell ya. sort of.

as things went .. ck, hen and i hit up the miss chinatown pageant .. err .. scholarship. i suppose i was there to support my cousin .. hen was there to support jen and some other people .. and ck was there because hen was there. once the pageant was over and done with, we were outta there. off to millions we went, to eat some good food and to get poketako some cold beer. oddly enough, my family invited themselves. gRRR. no prob though. at least they didn't embarass me or anything.

next stop, ryan's grill where we met up with katsu, lei, kishida and some other people that i can't remember. and so i continued to drink. bleh.

the rest of the night was rather ... interesting.

hen: oh my gawd! j's here!
poketako: eh? what did you just say?
hen: j is here!
poketako: oh. don't worry, it's not a problem.
katsu: so you guys are all cool then?
poketako: yeah, i suppose.
katus: so is it ok if i go say hi?
poketako: uh, you can go say whatever you want.

eventually, i did have to talk to her. one part of me wanted to run out the door. one part of me wanted to give her a hug. the rest of me went into shock.

i really don't understand the complication between j and i sometimes. it's been a few years since she and i parted. there have been occasions where we've crossed paths. there was even a point in time where we were almost friends. then we just went our separate ways. no reason. just life. still, no matter how much time may pass .. each time we meet, she stops me dead in my tracks. my heart will skip a beat and it's like i'm seeing her for the first time all over again.

someday, this has got to stop. it's definately not good fer my health. maybe one day i'll walk right past her and not even notice her. maybe one day i'll say goodbye without a backwards glance.

ANYWAYS .. the rest of the night went on .. as life usually does. katsu got drunk. ck took a picture with his long lost brother. hen tried to kill her cough with some hot tea. and poketako .. drank more beer. then we were outta there.

back at hen's place, they kept me company and listened to my wack drama stories until i was ready to drive home. thanks guys! so at 5a i drove home .. still a bit drunk .. as usual.


some people take normal pictures


some people take ? pictures

9.29.03 - 10.03.03 monday - friday
hell week. 3 presentations. not enough time. sleep was NOT an option.

10.04.03 saturday
friday night's post production finished at 2a saturday morning. went home, attempted to sleep .. only to crash out 1hr before i had to wake up .. got up at 5:30a .. got ready .. and was out the door again.

8am .. halekulani. since our main camera was going to be shooting the second wedding and our back-up camera guy couldn't make it .. poketako got slapped on the cam. oh joy. the last time i shot a ceremony i fuctup. big time. so i was a bit hesitant about covering the back camera for this ceremony. it's just weird cause i know how to werk the cam, i know how to shoot, compose and focus .. it's just that i get a bit nervous. you would think that people on the other end of the lense would be more nervous .. but when you have only one chance to capture the moment, lemme tell ya .. the stress is on.

without draggin this out any longer than i could be .. the ceremony went pretty good. i get mock grades for my footage and this time around i got a B instead of my usual D. yay me. bleh. so yeah, the wedding continued. once i was done editing, i was off the box and got the rest of our stuff setup. our other cam returned from the other wedding by this time, so now we had to put it all together in 3 hrs.

by 12:30 the second wedding's highlights were done and i was on my way to do the presentation at the kahala mandarin. ray and reid stayed at the halekulani to finish up the first wedding. by 3:30p i got back to halekulani, packed up and we were outta there.

but my day/night wasn't over just yet. GRRR. there was still one more presentation to werk on.

and so the rest of saturday and well into sunday morning was spent on post production for sunday night's birthday party.

shit, since i ended up at werk on sunday too, i might as well cram it all in here.

by 3a sunday morning i called it quits .. even though we still weren't done. i was just tooo wasted. so i returned at 1p and werked til 6:30p sunday afternoon.

so that was my wonderful 26hrs of stinkin werk this weekend in an oversized nutshell. i need a drink.




change seems to be an integral part of life. we live .. we learn .. we move on. some people take to change casually .. strolling along with the flow .. adapting .. improvising. others fight change to the bitter end .. desperately trying to cling to their comfort zone.

i suppose i'm one of those who fight change. i guess i'm stubborn like that. two werds .. seek help.

get well soon.


I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

Cities grow
Rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
I'm still here
Still here

Seeing the ashes in my heart
The smile the widest
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I tried to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted to take from me
Is everything that I could never be

Cities grow
Rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
I'm still here

Maybe tonight
It's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today
It's gonna be okay
I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole
When I saw you yesterday
But you didn't noticed
And you just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

Cities grow
Rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
The lights go out, the bridges burn
Once you're gone, you can't return
I'm still here
Remember how you use to say I'd be the one to runaway
But I'm still here
I'm still here

Still here.

"i'm still here" - vertical.horizon

wants and needs
do you lack substance? do you have a dead end job? do you suck at relationships? well fear no more! the answer to your prayers is finally here! back by poplular demand! LIFE! go out and get yours today! operators are standing by! call NOW! 1-800-GET-A-LIFE

ok, so maybe i do lack a bit of substance. not really sure if i have a dead end job. relationships? oh gawd.

[poketako picks up phone .. and dials 1-800-KILL-ME-NOW]

bleh.


ok, i had this whole long ass entry of theories on relationships and crap ready to post .. then i proofed it and decided to trash it .. cause i really don't know crap about dating or relationships. i'm like the total ghandi of failed relationships so who am i to dictate what werks and what doesn't?! i don't even know what i want fer goodnessakes. and i think that's a good thing. sometimes when you don't know what you want and you get something, you find out that it's everything you never knew you always wanted. i suppose that the only thing i'm sure of is that: i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. now doesn't that sound simple enough? ah but life is never simple. shit.

so now that i wasted a couple of week's worth of brain power on an entry that i deleted .. back to poketako's life in review .. .. ..

saturday 9.06.03
after werkin a 12 hr production day/night at the sheraton i met up with spanky and stacey at genji's fer some drinks. fer the weirdest reason, beer always tastes so~ much better after werk. then again, beer is always good stuff. except when drinking alone. that's jus plain sad. hmm, i guess that explains quite a bit in my life. ANYWAYS .. since s jus returned from her 2 year JET program she gave spanky and i the run down on everything japan .. since we're planning a trip there for sometime early next year. damn, i'm having second thoughts now. everything seems so friggin expensive! no wonder the dum nips gotta werk 12 hrs a day .. 7 days a week. i'm thinkin that we should jus spend less to travel to vegas and blow the rest on gambling! hmm .. nevermind. ok, back to drinking. eventually we closed genji's and made our way over to napa's since they were open til 4a. after that, it was definately time to go home and sleep. i suppose that since i can't remember how i got home, i was a bit messed up. but hey, at least i got home and didn't kill anything in the process. bleh.

saturday 9.13.03
again .. werked another wedding .. this time at hale koa. ohmyfriggingawd .. i HATE .. no .. i LOATH .. werkin at hale koa. i mean the hotel is nice and all .. but the gawd foresaken journey around the island from the parking structure to the hotel is DEATH! let me explain .. first, i have to park my car (the batmobile) .. then i gotta hike it up to the hotel .. grab the keys for the boss's 4runner (which all the equipment was in) .. park the 4runner in the parking structure .. hike it back up to the hotel .. THEN .. jus when i'm at the hotel, my stinkin boss calls and says to go back to the 4runner to grab an extra battery for the dvcam. SO .. i hike it back down to the structure only to find that there are no stinkin batteries in the 4runner! FUCK! lemme tell ya, this is bad voodoo shit fer someone who smokes. ugh. so yeah, hale koa sucks a monkey's sweaty nut sack. sorry fer the mental image. ANYWAYS .. once the wedding was over, i was outta there.

a few phone calls and a quick change of clothes later .. i met up with S at genji's. a bit later, the rest of the crew dropped by .. tj, renene, reg, dE, spanky, and stacey. from then on it was bag on poketako night. yay. did i ever mention that i need new friends? bleh. and so i drank .. and drank .. and drunk. soon genji's closed and it was time to go. everyone else pretty much bailed out .. so spanky and stacey kept poketako company while i fed my face and made noise at towny zips. thanks guys! yup, i really don't get out much these days. *sigh* . after that we all headed fer home. yay. once home, i cried myself to sleep.

friday 9.19.03
amazingly, the presentation fer saturday's wedding was done! hell hath frozen! well, maybe not. so this prolly meant that i could call it an early night .. .. NOT. fortunate for poketako .. ray volunteered my services to scan and process images for a corp video. it was a paying job, so i suppose that i really don't have much to complain about. but, hey i'm a lil biatch .. so i'm gonna bithc anyway. ok, the job payed $50/hr for 200 images which shouldn't have taken me longer than 4 hrs. $200 .. no problem. once i scanned in all the images it hit me .. fuckin A .. this is more than 200 images mutha fucker! and sure enough, after checkin my files .. it was over 340 images! shit on me. so instead of making $50/hr i made $25/hr .. still, i suppose that's not too bad fer image processing. the only thing that really bummed me was that i thought i could go out instead of werkin .. but the joke was on me. what~evers.

saturday 9.20.03
AGAIN .. werked a wedding. fer the strangest reason, there wasn't too much stress at this job. weird. there was in fact more werk than nermal cause i had to test audio twice when the dj's system couldn't handle my audio .. and i also had to set up early cause the best man wanted to show a video during his speach .. which we didn't know about earlier AND which we didn't charge for. gRRR. no problem though, as long as everything went smooth i had no real problems. shit, i even got time on the dvcam .. and that my friend is a rare thing indeed .. cause i suck at shooting. other than that, it was a pretty interesting wedding. i ran into a classmate from high school .. who just couldn't remember my name. my very first girlfriend was there .. which made for a very odd moment .. cause she taught me about heartache. but that was a looong time ago. regardless of all that .. poketako was a happy camper cause .. there was a shit load of eye candy! yes, i do have a simple mind. yes, simple things intrigue me. no, i didn't talk to any of them cause i'm a wus. i dunno, i jus feel funny meeting people at weddings. i mean, i'm considered a "worker" at weddings and not a guest. then there's my appearance .. people keep referring to me as the videographer's helper cause they think i'm kid or sumthin. even if it makes me feel like shit, i've learned to ignore it. ignorance is bliss for the mentally challenged. bleh.

after werk .. .. i did nothing. spanky dude was at werk and wasn't sure if he was gonna go drinkin cause he had to werk an early shift on sunday morning. tj and reg were hangin in kaneohe .. and i really didn't feel like the drive .. esp. in the batmobile. geo was at tracks with tatsu. ck was at home with a headache. after that, i didn't bother callin anyone else .. cause i started feeling a bit desperate. i suppose in a way it's my fault that no one calls on the weekends anymore. since i got into the wedding industry my weekends pretty much went straight down the drain. who needs friends anyway, right?! poketako can drink alone. and so i did. stopped by at walmart fer some crap .. safeway fer some beer .. went home .. drank with big z.



one part of me just wants to tell you everything
one part just needs the quiet
and if i'm lonely here, i'm lonely here
and on the telephone
you offer reassurance

i will not take these things for granted

how can i hold the part of me that only you can carry
it needs a strength i haven't found
but if it's frightening, i'll bear the cold
and on the telephone
you offer warm asylum

i'm listening
flowers in the garden
laughter in the hall
children in the park
i will not take these things for granted
anymore

to crawl inside the wire and feel something near me
to feel this accepting
that it is lonely here, but not alone
and on the telephone
you offer visions dancing

i'm listening
music in the bedroom
laughter in the hall
dive into the ocean
singing by the fire
running through the forest
and standing in the wind
in rolling canyons

i will not take these things for granted

"i will not take these things for granted" - toad.the.wet.sprocket

blurry
time. it seems that we never have enough of it when we want it. lemme tell ya .. the month of august was one of those times when i wish i had just a little more .. time.

rewind ..

8.15.03 friday
werk werk werk. edited a wedding at the royal hawaiian. yay.

8.16.03 saturday
after werkin a wedding on friday night i flew it home and continued editing the slideshow for my family reunion. 3 pots of coffee and 10 hrs later .. i wasn't done yet. crap. to add to my dilemma .. i still had to make my way down to kyoya fer ck's surprise birthday party! i admit that i was going to cancel on the party, but after an image of hen's pissed off face appeared in my head i jumped into the shower and got ready as fast as i possibly could. well, i did make it to the party .. but it was after ck had arrived. oops. regardless, it was an enjoyable lunch that i'm sure ck will remember for many years.

once lunch was done and all the pictures were taken, i had to bail out and head home to finish the video. yay. cutting all the crap out, i finally finished the video and made my way to the hyatt regency just in time for the family pictures. ugh.

since it was a hella crazy 24 hrs .. i gave myself a break and drank the night away .. after the video played. after the family reunion was over .. i met up with ck, hen, dj, and annette at sansei to break in ck's formal 30 year mark. happy birthday yo!




fast forward ..


8.23.03 saturday
with no weddings this weekend .. it was time to drink. a few phone calls earlier in the week set the plan in motion for a saturday night of karaoke and drinking. sometime around 10p i picked up S and headed down to K2. i suppose with poketako's history, everyone thought i would be late .. so they came later. thanks yo! sometime around 11-ish .. tj, aunty renene, and sean showed up .. then michelley and matt .. lizbian and shmells .. and finally .. dE and china. there were a few more people that were supposed to drop by .. but they never did. oh wells, you guys suck!

so, for the next couple of hours we cranked out some good .. some bad .. and some horribly ugly songs. it was fun none the less. well, besides the couple of times that people spilled my beer .. all over my leg. gRRR. after the fun was over .. everyone pretty much called it a night. i dropped off S and then made my way home .. slightly sober this time.



8.24.03 sunday
phone rings at 10a .. ck gives me a wake up call and reminds me to be at the prince court for his parent's anniversary lunch. poketako grunts .. then falls asleep fer 30 more minutes. i finally get ready and make my way over to the prince .. video equipment in hand. once settled, i check the audio and video to make sure all is ready .. then i grab some of the awesome food at the lunch buffet. too bad i eat like a friggin bird sometimes. bleh.

ck's brothers are totally hilarious i tell ya .. M, the older one, is always the instigator .. and J, the younger one .. always falls for his older brother's tricks. this time, J got dupped into eating 10 packs of equal sweetener for $10. poor kid turned green after he tried to shot all ten packs at one time. yuckas! all the while, M was laughin his ass off .. it was quite funny though. heheh. ANYWAYS, ck's video eventually played and recieved a very appreciative round of applause. good job! to an extent, i honestly think he did a better job than i did on my family reunion video. i suppose that when you put positive effort into something, it really shows through in the end.

after lunch, i made a stop over to visit my gramps since he isn't doing to good these days. since i was flyin out to vegas in a few hours, i wanted to see him before i left .. just in case. after that, it was home to pack up fer VEGAS baby!

the last time i went to vegas was about 3 years ago .. with my ex. regardless of my weird non-drinking phase at the time, i had a lot of fun just seeing all the sites and eating good food. too bad this trip was more for business than leisure. bleh. to top it off, it wasn't even fully company funded. gRRR. what~evers.

at 7p i met up with ray and we hit it to HIA. after killin time we finally took off at 11p .. headed fer the land of bling bling!

on a side note .. i'm never booking through worry free vacations again. yeah, it was easy .. yeah, it was cheap .. yes, the people were nice and accomodating .. but DAMN, the flight was pretty crappy! i did recieve fair warning from hen, but i didn't take her seriously when she told me about the inflight meal. saimin and spam musubi .. she laughed. shit, it was worse! they served us friggin manapua and banana chips! wtf?! well, maybe next time i'll take heed to other's warnings and bring my own food .. and perhaps a cushion fer my ass cause .. DAMN! those are hella uncomfortable seats.

8.25.03 - 8.28.03 monday - thursday
we got to vegas sometime around 7:30a .. 4:30a hawaii time. first thing's first .. head outside the baggage claim and shmoke a friggin cig. ah~ bliss. from there we jumped on the shuttle and headed over to bally's, where we would stay for the next 4 days. since check in didn't start til 10a .. we killed time in the casino. bad bad. ray played slots .. poketako drank coffee. soon we got checked in and poketako crashed out fer the next 5 hours. sleep is good.

the convention had some type of opening ceremony thing goin on, but we decided to skip it and meet up with my cuz fer dinner at ah sin, and asian cuisine restaurant in the paris. since my cousin werks there, we got the werks .. and oh my gawd .. the food was so~ good! almost as good as the two jumbo bottles of asahi that i pounded in 15 minutes. yum! the rest of the night was spent gambling .. also known as losing money. sometime around .. shit, i can't remember what time it was .. but yeah, whatever the hell time it was .. ck, hen and R got to vegas. once they settled their rooming issue, they met up with us at bally's and i can't remember what happened after that.

i think hen and ck were right .. the whole trip was like a blur. the hours and days just seemed to blend into this one huge span of time. weird.

anyways, back to the reason fer going to vegas .. the convention. at first mention of attending, i was a bit hesitant. why the hell do i want to hang out with a bunch of video geeks? waitaminute .. I AM A VIDEO GEEK. dammit. i suppose that it would be good to see the different styles and techniques used in such a competetive industry. the more i thought about it, the more i got motivated to attend the geek fest. it's all about attitude. again.

by the time it started, i found that i was actually looking forward to the geek convention, as i called it. WEVA .. wedding events videographers association .. takes place once a year in vegas. this is where the top videographers from around the world come to "show and tell" .. and sometimes show-off .. their werk in the wedding industry. the four day convention has a morning session of 4 seminars every hour from 8a to 12p. within every hour you choose with seminar you want to attend based on the topic you're most interested in. then you get a 3 hour break to attend the trade show .. i swear, the trade show is like geek heaven .. a total toy store of all the newest hardware and software applications, video cams, equipment and gadgets. after the trade show, the seminars resume for an afternoon/evening session of 4 hours.

the first day totally blew me away. the people doing the presentations weren't one man operations or hole in the wall outfits. these guys werked out of studios. they were professionals .. and it showed in their work. hawaii videographers just aren't this organized. then again, people on the mainland and people in hawaii are very different from each other. the social standards are like black and white in comparison. i think that's one of the most noteworthy differences that i found throughout the convention. err .. yeah, ok i'll drop the rest of the convention stuff. it's prolly boring the crap outta you anyways.

so the rest of the trip was .. ok. since i was attending the convention most of the time, i really couldn't do many things. just to get away from ray fer a few hours, i did walk around vegas .. alone. how sad is that?!@ so yeah, i walked around bally's .. paris .. caesars .. and bellagio .. then went back. i think the highlight of the whole trip was winning instead of losing money. but that's a hella long story that unfortunately has a crappy ending .. so i'll save you the grief .. and i'll save myself the aggravation cause it'll put me in a shitty mood.

ANYWAYS, i didn't get to hang out with ck, hen and R as much as i would've liked to .. but that's ok. next time.





8.29.03 friday ~ 8.30.03 saturday
got home sometime around 11:30p thursday night and crahsed out til friday afternoon. then i had to hit it over to werk and edit edit edit. some clients called and asked us to do a rush on their video because of some family stuff. so~ poketako had to do a full edit and output to vhs and dvd by sunday. being the person that i am .. i'm not gonna werk two days if i can crank it all out in one. with that in mind, i started my edit at 5p friday afternoon and werked straight through to 9a saturday morning. yay. fun fun fun.

on the drive home my brain officially shut down. i was a total zombie .. flyin on autopilot. being the rocket scientist that i am .. the first thing i do when i get home .. drink a cup of coffee. stoops! oh wells, who needs sleep anyway right?! the next few hours were spent vegetating in my room. then it was off to werk a wedding. i really wasn't scheduled to werk but i'm such a fucking pushover that i agreed to help out at the wedding "for a little while". yeah right. somehow i knew i would be stuck there for the whole thing. dammit. at least it was at the okinawan center .. close to home.

after the wedding, i stopped by aunty renene's mom's house to have a few drinks with rene and tj before calling it a night.



there's prolly a whole lot more that went on in the past few weeks .. but i'm jus too friggin brain fried to think about it or write it all out. bleh. so .. uh .. yeah. that's it.

This is my life
It's not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was all in vain
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person I am today

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this smile
That I've never shown before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was all in vain
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please dont shake me

Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was all in vain
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person I am today

"so far away" - staind

buhbye
i'm leavin' on a jet plane~ .. .. ..

going

going

gone.

louder than words
sometimes, silence is stronger than words.

the background noises seemed louder than usual tonight. the pause in our conversation felt like hours instead of seconds. the seconds soon turned to a minute .. and for the life of me .. i couldn't think of anything to say.

sometimes, it's the unspoken words that tell a story.

i seriously don't understand this whole "dating" thing. maybe the simplicity of it complicates it. meeting new people is great . . but finding the one that you're compatible with is an uphill climb. i suppose that maybe you have to lose a few battles to win the war. i am quite tired of losing battles though. this time, i think it was a draw .. .. ..

the stage was set. reservations were made .. the flowers were delivered .. everything was in place. but somehow .. something was missing. conversation. perhaps, the night didn't completely lack conversation .. but it did seem like the weakest link. personally, i feel that if there isn't much to talk about .. there isn't much in common. still, there are other factors to take into consideration. the pressure of a first date is enough to make anyone feel a bit tense .. and uncomfortable. so maybe it wasn't such a good idea to turn the night into some kind of production.

overall, everything turned out ok .. not great .. yet, not disasterous .. still .. i am a bit dissapointed .. in myself. but it's nothing i plan on losing any sleep over. sometimes things don't happen the way we want them to .. and there's nothing we can do about it. that's life. hopefully there will be more opportunities down the road .. and hopefully poketako doesn't make the same mistakes. someday i'll get it right. next time.

and then life continued.


nothing really new going on. jus the same damn shit .. different day. perhaps this is why some people are so friggin grumpy. they lack variety .. substance .. shit, anything but the same thing. then again, maybe they just suck. yeah, people suck. not all of em .. just most of em. fer myself, i think i get frustrated when i can't vent. i'll take what i can .. then i gotta let it out. but when this doesn't happen .. poketako gets REALLY grumpy. damn, now i know what some people feel like. you know, sometimes you just want to unleash yer crap on the world .. not to get a response or a solution .. but jus to get it outta yer system. but it doesn't help to jus tell it to anyone. we be social creatures .. so we want to share our misery with those close to us. go figure. maybe we be stoopid social creatures. yeah, people are stoopid. dogs rule. naw, poketako rules. yup yup yup. damn .. i need a life.

so anyways, like i was saying earlier, there's abso-fucking-lutely nothing going on in my life. hmm, i think that's a given .. but i just wanted to clarify that for those who didn't get it the first time. bleh.

well, maybe that's not ENTIRELY true. jus mostly. werk is werk. pretty much the same thing everyweek. crisis. there's always a crisis at werk. always something that NEEEEEDS to be done. i suppose that's a good thing 'cause i never need to think about what to do next. wishing the week was over never really works out either cause weekends tend to be more stressful than the weekdays. at least i *finally* get to take a slight break at the end of august. yipppeeeee! poketako gets to go to vegas! 4 days of a geek conference. so other than that .. werk is werk.

on a social note .. as previously implied .. poketako had a date. woohooo~! yeah, i finally grew some balls and asked someone out. it's been almost a week and i still don't know what to make of it. so i can't truthfully say it went well .. nor can i say that it was a bomb. so .. uh .. yeah .. it was jus a date i suppose?

other disturbing news in poketako's life .. .. so my family is planning this reunion .. and personally i think they REALLY need to get lives. i mean they're making this thing out to be the most important thing since the discovery of fire. being the eeediot that i am .. i agree to make a slideshow for the reunion. dumb dumb dumb. i request that i get ALL the images at least 2 months before the reunion because this is wedding season and i'm totally strapped fer time. but what does my loving family do? they wait until the last week and a half .. THEN give me the pics. hello~ .. ??? and it would be my luck .. this past weekend as i was almost finish with one section .. my fucking hard drive craps out. a trip to compusa and $80 later i gots yet another hard drive to dump into my system. yay. so here i am .. 3am .. jus got home from editing and now i get to edit .. again. and i'm still in fucking post. i still have to finish the presentation for saturday's wedding (luckily i'm off that day =) eeeee~!!!) tomorrow .. then werk a wedding friday night .. then come home and finish the damn slideshow by saturday morning. yip-fucking-pee. lemme tell ya .. poketako is gonna get hella drunk on saturday night after the reunion cause this be hell week baby.

hmm .. ok i'm done venting.

/end poketako bitchsession.

now go away.


I want a love I can see
That's the only kind that means a thing to me
Don't want a love you have to tell me about
That kind of lovin' I can sure do without

I want a love I can feel
That's the only kind of lovin' I think is real
Don't want to be goin' by somethin' I heard
'Cause baby, action speaks louder than words

I want a love that is mine
In the rain or even in the sunshine
A love that will keep me warm when it's cold
The kind of lovin' that will never grow old

I want a love I can see
The kind of lovin' that you could give to me
The kind of kisses to make me melt
The kind of lovin' that can really be felt

I really want a love
You gotta know
I really need your love
All I really want is your love
I really want your love
A love I can see

"i want a love i can see" - j.l.h.

sanctuary
do you ever have the feeling that everything is spinning around you .. so fast that you can't focus on anything? you feel like you're falling .. yet you're standing still. then, through the confusion .. there is peace. a calm. a place where the noise stops. life stands still. a breath of fresh air. mental clarity. have you been there?

yeah, well .. i'm not there yet. i'm busy playin tag with a three legged donkey and a one eyed chicken named fred.

i don't want to hear about it anymore
it's a shame i've got to live without you anymore
there's a fire in my heart
a pounding in my brain
it's driving me crazy

we don't even talk about it anymore
yesterday is just a memory
can we close the door
i just made one mistake
i didn't know what to say when you called me baby

i'm the only one for you
you're the only one for me
baby can't you see
you're still the only one

each and every night i pray
hoping there will come a day
baby you believe
you're still the only one

i don't want to hear about it anymore
can't you see i'm in misery
and you know for sure
i'll live and die for you
and i know just what to do when you call me baby

we don't even talk about it anymore
yesterday is just a memory
can we close the door
i just made one mistake
i didn't know what to say when you called me baby

i'm the only one for you
you're the only one for me
baby can't you see
you're still the only one

each and every night i pray
hoping there will come a day
baby you believe
you're still the only one


..

..

"the only one for you" - ten.feet

distortion
sometimes things don't happen the way we want them to. sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

sometimes .. life jus sucks.

i thought i had a basic understanding of my life .. in general. but lately i've come to realize that i know .. nothing. i thought i knew where my physical and mental limits were .. but i was wrong. i now know that i CAN work 12+ hrs a day .. 7 days a week. i found that i have horrible communication skills. i've realized that i still have a bad temper (i just hide it better these days). and mostly i've found that just because you treat someone with respect, it doesn't mean that they'll do the same to you. i must learn to follow lesson #1 .. respect is earned not given.

one thing that i think i've come to understand from werking in the wedding industry over the past year is that although there may be someone for everyone .. it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone will find someone. this is something that i've come to accept. it's not really being pessimistic or feeling self pity .. it's just reality.

maybe it's stress .. maybe fatigue .. whatever it is, life feels different these days. perhaps i'm jus in a slump. dunno. everything feels so .. monotone. lately, i find myself going through the days with a mindless .. emotionless demeanor. it's almost like i'm on autopilot or sumthin. truthfully, it feels like i don't really care about anything. although this does sound troubling and slightly disturbing .. the bottom line is .. i really don't care.

i think i'm jus tired of pretending. i'm tired of being polite to shitty people. tired of taking people's crap. tired of my own bullshit. tired of the bullshit that my "friends" spit out. maybe i'm jus tired of fakery.

perhaps truth and innocence gets left behind as we .. "mature". only a handful of people i regularly see still act like friends .. the rest treat you like a business associate. what was once warm .. now seems so friggin cold.

then again .. maybe i'm jus in a shitty mood. again.

life goes on. bleh.


6.23.03 - 6.27.03 monday - friday
werk. werk. werk. postproduction fer the 2 weekend presentations. yay.

6.28.03 saturday
werked an afternoon wedding at hale koa, so it wasn't too bad. simply put, it was an interesting night.

after werk, i stopped by tj's to meet up with the old crew fer a while. then they bailed out .. since everyone was .. old. hehe. from there i joined spanky and the rest of julie's wedding party at kings fer a few more drinks. although julie is j's cousin .. not a werd was spoken about j. after all, there really isn't much to say. so~ we jus talked about how the wedding went .. drank more beer .. and finally closed kings. go home time .. in a drunken stupor. whee~!

6.30.03 - 7.04.03 monday - friday
werk. werk. werk. ripped out two full wedding edits and did post on 3 presentations fer the weekend weddings. fun fun fun.

as expected .. the fourth was spent werking. the only difference was that big z got to hang out in the production room with ray and i since the parents went out to schofield to watch firewerks. big z and firewerks .. don't get along.

7.05.03 saturday
got home at 3am .. slept 2 hrs .. then it was off to werk a wonderful 20 hr day. morning wedding at the hilton .. evening wedding at kahala .. then back to ray's to edit fer sunday morning's wedding.

7.06.03 sunday
again .. got home around 3a .. slept fer a couple of hrs .. then it was off to werk the morning wedding. who needs sleep? i don't need no stinkin sleep.

well maybe not, cause when i got home at 5p .. i went to sleep .. until 8a monday morning.

7.07.03 - 7.11.03 monday - friday
..
.. ..
shit, why the hell am i writing this crap out anyways? who gives a shit what the hell i do on a weekly basis? especially at werk?! dammit.

whatevers.

after werk on friday night i met up with tj and the fitty foot crew at Next Door fer a a few drinks. it was actually pretty relaxing .. and entertaining. poketako was entertained as tj, aunty rene and darren played quarters. damn, they're like pro $.25 players. a rule was made almost every other round or sumthin. other than that, poketako enjoyed his beer and the waitress with the big .. chest. aunty rene claimed .. with authority .. that "they" were fake. but you know what? .. poketako could care less. err .. ok. nuf beer. we closed the bar and everyone went home.

07.12.03 saturday
since it was an afternoon wedding .. poketako got to sleep in. sort of. at least i didn't have to wake up at 4a or 5a. 7a was better.

after the wedding, spanky dude called and said that they were drinkin at tj's .. so off i went to meet up with them. spanky is da man. he always knows when poketako wants to drink. shit, spanky always drinks .. and poketako always wants to drink. ANYWAYS .. an hour or two after i got to tj's, dE and china drop by. then we drank some more. i swear beer always tastes better after a stressful night. after another couple of hours .. a few more drinks .. and getting my ass handed to me in pool .. it was time to go home. well, fer some of us at least. poketako was tired. again, drove home in a drunken stupor. bad bad.



07.13.03 sunday
slept half the day .. werked the rest. gRRR. i didn't really feel like werkin .. but i had to crank out sumthin fer a photo studio .. which i later found out that they didn't even use. oh wells, i got paid fer my time so i have nuthin to complain about.

. . . . .

i suppose i really don't have much reason to complain about my life and the things that happen in my lil' fuct world. things could be worse. but i vent here .. cause i can. and .. i vent here .. cause i really have no life .. or anyone to talk to. but hey, i'm no sissy. i don't need to talk to anyone. i don't need to seek help. aw fogettit. at least i still have the voices and imaginary friends. .. .. and big Z.

Hello again
Your words they make me smile
As I drift away
In my little room upstairs

Oh I spend my nights
Imagining your face your touch
Then I realize
How I don't even know your name

If we could share our time
Would I disappoint your fantasies
I believe that you could be the one I'm needing
'Cause I'm

Only lonely on the inside
Didn't mean to take away your dreams
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

I could start to give apologies
For all the stupid things that I will say and I will do
If we should ever cross the same place at the same time
Would your world skip a beat 'cause it was me

If we could share our life
Would I disappoint your memories
I believe that I could be the one you're needing
And I'm

Only lonely on the inside
Didn't mean to take away your dreams
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

If I could give back your hopes your joys your treasures
Don't you think that I would change my world
But there's so many things trying to pull us together
Even though we're far apart I can still watch you walk away

Only lonely on the inside
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes what do you see

Only lonely on the inside
Didn't mean to take away your dreams
Only lonely on the inside
In your deepest thoughts what do you see

Only lonely on the inside
I didn't mean .. i didn't mean to steal your dreams away
Only lonely on the inside

(In your deepest thoughts do you see me)
(When you close your eyes, in your deepest thoughts .. do you see me?)

"only lonely" - hootie.and.the.blowfish